"Suffer For Love" by Mutya Buena
Has love lost its meaning?
Am I destined not to feel it?
Baby, I have
And I just don't know it when I'm in it
Is it me to blame
I really need to change
This pattern I'm seeing
I don't wanna be in
Why I gotta mess it up
And get it wrong
Like some kind of curse
Why do I have to suffer for love
Suffer for love
I've given it everything
Still it ain't happening
I'm sick of it all
What does it want
It's asking too much
I'm a sucker for a suffer for love
I keep on trying but I don't know how it works
There's no instruction so I keep on getting hurt
Over again, over again, over and over and over again
Some time towards the end of April this year, I met a man. We had seen each other before, and even shared a stolen smile at some point before we actually got talking.
He was tall, dark and handsome, with a beard, and with green eyes that seemed to sparkle. Though not my typical choice of man, we hit it off really well and were seeing more and more of each other.
So, because of what I do, when I meet someone new I always have to consider the best way of telling them that I do drag. When I am not in drag, I am very much a man, as I have said before. I always grow my beard in between, and I dress in jeans, boots and a biker jacket. As it happens, I like to draw a line between reality and illusion.
After a week had passed and we had met up almost every day, I decided that the time was right, and so I 'dropped the bomb'.. not realising it was going to be a bomb!
He was very shocked, and somewhat unsure whether to believe me or not, but eventually said that he thought it wouldn't be a problem. Seeing as it's something I only do now and again, and it isn't a sexual thing for me, he thought he'd be fine. He even started to come with me to other peoples shows, friends of mine, and he was really enjoying himself.
At one point we went on holiday to Spain, and he took me to see the largest drag show in the area, and translated all the jokes! I was thinking this would work out really well...
Until suddenly I get a phone call from him, and he sounds a little vague, so I ask him if everything is ok, and assure him he can tell me anything. It turns out that he is not comfortable with the drag thing and doesn't want to see me anymore.
Now, I'm not stupid, and I personally think this is rather shallow, but it is his decision and I'm not going to try to make him change his mind, so I tell him there is nothing more to be said, and wish him a happy life... We have not spoken since, but we see each other out and about still.
A few months later, I'm out with some good friends, and I get chatting to this very interesting looking guy, slightly alternative, and very handsome. Those of you who know me will know who/what I mean but I'm not going to divulge any more info.
This time I don't even have time to think about telling him anything, as one of my 'good' friends blurts out: "He's a drag queen!"
To which he replies: "Fabulous!"
I'm thinking: "We're on to a winner!"
History has a tendency of repeating itself, and we hit it off like a house on fire, and see as much of each other as time will allow us in the next weeks. He tells me he used to go out partying in heels and dresses, and still does now and again, for the fun of it, but not in a 'drag queen' manner. In fact, I got to experience it one night and he looked brilliant!
When you meet someone new and you start dating, it is sometimes quite difficult to gage the right time to discuss your relationship, where you stand with each other. So, you leave it for a bit, hoping the other person will take the initiative.
We never got to that conversation, and one evening we went out, he decides to invite two other guys back with us, and clearly not for a crochet lesson...
Now, it has to be said that I am far from a prude, and I have done a lot of things in my life that could probably shock the unshockable, and under normal circumstances I would have had no problem with this situation. But, as we hadn't had this conversation and we didn't know where we stood, I suddenly felt really uncomfortable with it all, and yeah, probably a little jealous as well. Not wanting to share him with anyone.
So, I left ten minutes after arriving at his house.
The next day he texts me to say: "Hope you got home safely!" Clearly he didn't see or understand how this had affected me, so that evening I told him. To make a long story short, that's when I decided to phase him out of my life. I stopped texting him, calling him, and we had been sending 15-20 texts every day since we met.
Eventually he texts me to invite me to his flatmates birthday party, and so I decided to give him one more chance and turn up. We had a fantastic time, and I left his house Friday morning... and then nothing. Four days pass before he surfaces, telling me some nonsense story about not having been able to contact me. My good friends had seen him out all weekend.
I'm now thinking I'm better off alone, and it leaves me thinking I don't want to look for anyone, but I know deep in my heart I want to find that someone special, the one who thinks the world of me and wants to be with me. The one who actually thinks the sun shines out of my ass, as my friend put it!
But seriously, how many frogs does one need to kiss?
Footnote: I would like to clarify that the time line of certain events has been altered for ease and flow of the post.
